12.13.2012

a personal struggle.

I've realized lately that I am really struggling with things in life that are beyond my control. I'm so afraid to lose my husband and my son. It's always been a fear but it become very stuck in my mind last week when I had a scary incident with Aiden (that all turned out just fine).

We had just got home from the baby sitter's house and Aiden was asleep in his car seat carrier. I decided since we was still asleep I would let him stay in the seat and left him in our living room while I worked in the kitchen. I almost always take him out whether he is sleeping or not but didn't want to wake him this time. After about 30 minutes I decided he needed to be taken out of the seat even though he was still sleeping. As I unbuckled his straps and even moved his arms to pick him up he never moved. Not at all. I said (quite loudly) "hey buddy" as I tickled his belly but he didn't move. It wasn't until I actually picked him up that he began to stretch and wiggle. He was so sound asleep. Through out this 10 seconds my heart stopped. My hands trembled. My face went pale. My whole world was falling apart.

I immediately felt silly for becoming so frightened but his still, little body seemed so lifeless. I sat down on the couch, cuddling my sweet, sleepy boy and wept. I cried out to God, thanking Him for our son. Thanking him that it wasn't time for him to take Aiden from me.

Since then I have become the paranoid mom that I thought I would be from day 1. I'm not only a paranoid mom but a wife as well. I worry about my loves constantly. Whether Chris is at the fire station, sitting in a deer stand, or driving down the highway - I worry. It's not until he is curled up next to me that I have a peace.

This worry is not something new to my life. I was very similar to this as a child. I didn't like staying home by myself (even when I was clearly old enough) and I always thought the worse when someone was running late or something didn't go quite right.

Last night, I shared this struggle with Chris a little bit more. Although he was compassionate to me, he ended the conversation with "there's nothing I can do, this is between you and God." He is so right (and I knew that too). Today I'm trying to dive deeper in to scripture and prayer on this. Here are a few scriptures that are so on spot.
 
Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31
Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  Psalm 62:6
They will have no fear of bad news;  their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.  Psalm 112:7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7
Having such a compassionate heart can be such hard work sometimes! Any suggestions beyond prayer and scripture? Any personal experience with this? I'd love to hear!

Be a blessing to someone today!

3 comments:

brittany wilbanks said...

I struggle with this everyday. I just keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. Grady fell in the bath tub and chipped a tooth this week I feel like I never put him down because I'm paranoid about something happening to him. I still struggle with realizing that there are some things we have no control over.

Stephanie Watson said...

I used to be the same way. Don't get me wrong, I have some days when I see the paranoia again but for the most part, I have gotten past it. For me, it took me realizing (not just knowing it but really wrapping my brain around it)that David and my kids are truly not mine. Yes, they have been placed in my life by God but they are not MINE. God is in control and He will decide when they are to be parted from me. It will ALWAYS be for the best....even if I can't understand why it has to be. For a while, I had to pray every single day--"LORD, David and my kids are yours. I am thankful for each moment that they are with me and realize that they are in Your hands. I release my worries to you knowing that you have full control and will always have our best interests in mind." Hang in there and trust in God.

Caitlin Myers said...

I am the same way. I worry so much about my little family.